When Lean Cuisine Was New

KING’S RANSOM

Paducah, Kansas

Fine dining at its best.

 

Fried-Butter Appetizer

Butter, cream, fat, lard, shortening, palm oil, drawn-butter dip.

 

Greaseballs

Four greaseballs served flaming hot in your hands (grease, balls).

 

♥ Cow Organs Charlton Heston

Steaming entrails and freshly slaughtered virgin cow brains, marinated in lard. Find the bullet and eat free!

 

Maybelle’s Vegetarian Special

Ham, ham hocks, pork rinds, butter, eggs. Ask for Bac-O-Bits!

 

Double Height Rib-Eye Steak

Cooked in its own juice while alive, served with hot buttered metal screws, cardboard.

 

Egg-Yolk Omelette à la Mitt

Yellow hearts of egg folded into an omelette. Cooked and served inside a boxing glove.

 

Our Banana Split

Fried ice cream, butter, double-cream-infused banana, whipped cream, cherries in red dye No. 2, triple-fudge chocolate sauce, pancakes, cow fat.

 

♥ Heartwise!

 

SYNERGY

Beverly Hills, California

Phone: Yeah, right.

 

Air Salad

Dehumidified ocean air on a bed of fileted basil.

 

Egg-White Omelette

Egg whites, pumpkin seeds, Vitamin C, nonfat cheese buttons, aerated yogi urine.

 

Spaghetti à la Nerf

Our natural eggless spaghetti, cooked in desalted Caspian Sea water, simmered in oliveless olive oil, and sprinkled with parsley skins. As light as a Nerf ball!

 

Filet of Sole

Sole.

 

Chilean Sea Bass

The Patagonian toothfish is overfished, so try our soya-based lo-fat substitute, swimming in hot water. Soy, water, gelatin added for viscosity. Garlic vapor. A natural face-lift dish.

 

Our Banana Split

One banana lying in its own skin, covered in chocolate, on a bed of arugula. A cheesecloth mouth condom is supplied to enable you to taste the chocolate without swallowing.

 

Hemlock Tea

Try our depoisoned herbal infusion. ♦

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