Hey, lady, where’ve you been? We’ve been feeling so empty without you. We’re very glad to have you back! Which of us will you choose today? Let’s review your choices.
We’re your reliable standbys. We’ve got a heel that’s high enough to comply with antiquated societal standards of femininity, but low enough that you can still duck behind the nearest ficus to avoid your most annoying co-workers. What’s that? All the ficuses are dead? Oh, well. Best of luck!
Chunky Ankle Boots
We look good with pants and add funky yet professional flair to your shift dresses. We’re also great for stomping on the cockroaches that now routinely crawl out of the conference-room vent since the maintenance department’s recent quarantine—we’re super-versatile!
As fall approaches, we’re still here for all your sundress needs. Just put us on to channel that business-casual vibe—but maybe get a pedicure first. (Like, seriously. Those gnarly talons you grew during lockdown need some major T.L.C., or possibly a band saw.)
You love us because we’re easy to slip on when you’re running late. And, let’s face it, now that you have to shower, get dressed, and commute in the morning again, you’ll always be late! You’ll be late so often that you’ll probably lose your job, but, hey, at least with us on your feet you’ll look stylish doing it.
Three-Inch Navy Stilettos
With us, you’ll feel tall, powerful, and ready to take on the world, even if you developed a paralyzing case of agoraphobia while staying in your six-hundred-square-foot apartment for more than a year. The good news is that, if anyone infringes on your personal space at the office, you can take one of us off and stab him. Just do it carefully because our soles are beige and no one wants a bloodstain, O.K.?
All right, we know we haven’t been your favorites in the past. We’re pretty sure you bought us during a drunken Zappos shopping spree that you regretted the next morning. But now it’s a new world! Maybe you can reinvent yourself as the gal who wears animal-print heels unironically? Or even ironically, we don’t care. WE JUST WANT OUT. PLEASE HELP—THE STILETTOS ARE LOOKING STABBY.