Wedding Update: It’s Still On!

Hey, guys! I know that the news has been a little scary of late, but at least we’ve got one good update for you: our wedding is still on!

After three date changes (and a small fortune in nonrefundable deposits—haha!), Pete and I are finally getting married, and we can’t wait to share our special day with you. Although we had originally been pretty confident that the pandemic would be completely over by now (because how could it not be when we have a vaccine, right?!), in light of what’s been going on with the Delta variant we’re making a few changes to the itinerary:

Instead of a rehearsal dinner the night before, we’re going to have a totally wild dance party five nights before! It’s going to be so fun (also mandatory). What’s going to make it extra fun is that it’ll actually be a virtual dance party that you can all log in to from your separate hotel rooms! Don’t worry, it won’t feel like some lame early-pandemic Zoom happy hour or anything, because everyone is going to technically be in the same place, just separated by the very thin walls of the $250-to-$500-per-night Marriott twenty-five minutes from our wedding venue. It’ll be just like you’re bumpin’ and grindin’ in person, but no one will actually be touching until . . .

We do our rapid COVID tests! As an extra-special treat, my sister Lauren and my childhood BFF, whom I’m not actually that close with anymore (JK, love you, Kelsey!), have agreed to m.c. our Rapid-Test Roast, where we’ll go around to each one of our two hundred wedding guests and give them the chance to roast Pete and me (but let’s keep it nice, guys), after which they will self-administer their own rapid COVID tests live on camera. This way, we can keep the party going and make sure that everyone is swabbing their nasal passages deeply enough!

The next day, those whose rapid tests come back positive :’( will be asked to stay quarantined in their hotel rooms for seven to fourteen days (at their own expense), but for everyone who tests negative the festivities will continue with a pool partayyyy! Guests will not actually be permitted in the pool, but you better believe that we are going to have highly chlorinated personal handwashing stations set up at each well-spaced table, so it will still feel like a pool party—and it will certainly smell like one! As an extra treat, we’ll have personalized “#2BecomeWong 5/30/20” towels, which we refuse to reprint.

The following day (this is day three of five, for those who are having trouble keeping track), our two surviving grandparents will be separately driven to our wedding venue, where they will then each be placed in a large novelty hamster ball, from which they will be able to safely witness the intimate wedding ceremony that they are being told is the real thing—shhh!

After this, we’ll bus the fragile olds back home and get wild at Part 2 of the Rapid-Test Roast, where you’ll all get the chance to improve on your initial roasts and recheck your COVID status!

The day after this, all the remaining COVID-free guests will be invited to join Pete and me as we finally, finally have an approximation of the wedding we’ve been dreaming of for the past two years. We promise, this will all be so worth it!

Follow-up update:

Never mind. We eloped instead. Please still send us a KitchenAid stand mixer in pistachio. ♦

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