The Internet Decided I Needed a Vortex Hoodie

Internet ad for a vortex hoodie.

A while back, the Internet started advertising this hoodie to me. Every screen I looked at, there it was. It has a geometric design that makes your abdomen look like an infinite, gaping hole—and that is fine, but I was confused. The Internet knows me really, really well.

Spotify recommendation for Bach to Jamaica.

It knows what music I should be listening to.

Internet ad for a nude Norwegian cruise.

It knows that I’m a nudist I have occasionally searched for documentaries about nudist colonies, because when I was a kid that was a thing.

Clickbait link about doctors and avocados.

It knows that I like avocados and that I don’t want to die.

Internet ad for a blouse.

It understands my primordial fashion instincts.

Two women looking at PeptoBismol ad after talking about PeptoBismol.

It even overheard a quiet in-person conversation between me and my sister about whether Pepto-Bismol is for diarrhea or constipation.

Instagram post of casserole someone named Brian is having for dinner.

It knows that I need to know what Brian has for dinner every night, even though I do not know who Brian is.

Clickbait link about aged celebrities.

It knows that I enjoy seeing celebrities who have aged terribly, because that will protect me from such a fate.

Internet ad for cheap heels.

It knows that I’m still tempted to get these shoes, even though the last time I bought shoes from this store they sent me a shower cap instead.

Multiple webpages advertising a vortex hoodie.

So why—why—was the Internet so sure that I needed the vortex hoodie?

Legs sticking out of a vortex.

I decided to trust the algorithm and take the plunge. I purchased the hoodie.

Person wearing vortex hoodie in their casket.

And, even though it is not my style (sorry, Internet), I can’t deny that the hoodie would make a really cool death shroud. People can look down at my casket, into the abyss.


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