The Chorus of Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” Rewritten for Your Forties

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so take off your nice work blouse before you need to dry-clean it. (Just pull something out of the laundry.)

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so maybe use a deodorant that has aluminum in it just this one time?

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so enjoy your office building’s frigid temperature—selected based on the metabolic rate of a forty-year-old man—which makes your hairs stand on end while your male colleagues look comfy and well paid.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so heed the U.N. climate report, in which scientists confirmed that human-created climate change is an “established fact.”

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, but don’t let white people out-Bikram-yoga you.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so put down that red wine and maybe drink some water?

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so walk around the supermarket for a while and linger over the free samples.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so set your home thermostat to an energy-efficient schedule.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so consider switching from a gas stove to an electric one.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so look up a gazpacho recipe for dinner.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so skip dinner and go straight to ice cream.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so go to the other room, open a window, and watch “Sister Act” in your sleep shirt and underwear.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so open one more window and settle in for “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.”

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so get off the couch, open all the windows, and watch late-night reruns of MSNBC programming.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so don’t ignore your incoming migraine.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so dim the lights, place a damp washcloth over your eyes, and listen to yesterday’s “The Daily.”

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so put pressure on your government to transform the way energy is produced—that way, even if we don’t see the benefits in our lifetime, generations after us will be able to listen to Nelly.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so stop using your weighted blanket at night!

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so take a black-cohosh pill and finally buy those expensive sweat-wicking bedsheets.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so shut all the windows, crank the A.C., bring back the weighted blanket, and close the blinds to hide the shame you feel for being complicit in climate change.

It’s gettin’ hot in herre, so we should have listened to Al Gore.


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