The Bald Manifesto

● If I am to wear a baseball cap, it shall not be out of shame but rather out of pride for my team.

● I swear to keep my remaining hair trim and tight until I turn forty-five, at which point all bets are off. Ponytails ahoy!

● I promise never to spend more than thirty dollars on a haircut. It makes everyone uncomfortable—especially barbers, who must pretend to cut hair long after they’ve completed their actual duties.

● If I see another bald on the street, I shall give him a hearty nod!

● There is not “less of me to love.”

● If you look seventy when you’re thirty, people will think you look thirty at seventy. This is known as “Patrick Stewart’s Law.”

● Speaking of which, never forget that Patrick Stewart was once named “Sexiest Man on TV” by TV Guide, the most erotic publication known to man.

● In England, they call bald guys “lollipop men.”

● Even though, biologically, this isn’t your dad’s fault, emotionally it is.

● Get used to the phrase “covered ear to toe in hair.”

● Remove the phrase “I’m going to let my hair down” from your vocabulary. Instead, say “ ’Bout to raise some scalp!”

● Have faith that your face is interesting enough to carry the (metaphoric) weight of your head.

● I’m fairly certain the Bible explicitly states that God is a bald dude. Hairy Renaissance painters reinterpreted this, owing to their bias.

● If ever you get carded when purchasing alcohol, just point to your bald head. It gets a laugh a hundred per cent of the time.

● Follow up with “I’m not bald, I’m just giving off Tucci vibes.” More laughs.

● Do not watch Elvis Presley videos on YouTube. They will only piss you off.

● On first dates, resist the urge to show pictures of yourself from high school. It does the opposite of what you want it to.

● If you see someone squandering their God-given hair with a silly haircut, do not confront them. They will be punished in the next life.

● It is not sad (in fact, it’s quite useful) to carry a handkerchief for the express purpose of dabbing your sweaty scalp in the summer months.

● During the winter, resist the urge to sew a beanie permanently onto your head. Despite it being a really good look for you, you will regret it come April.

● People assume that being bald makes you a better swimmer. This is untrue. It makes you a better lover.

● If you’re worried that being bald will negatively affect your love life, just remember that Ben Franklin had syphilis, so . . .

● I’m sorry, but if you’re bald you’re not allowed to skateboard anymore. Rollerblades only. I’m so, so sorry.

● I will not miss the days when the boys and I would get hopped up on Mountain Dew and rub our greasy heads of hair together. “Dew the ’Do” days are for the youth.

● On dating apps, when women say they’re looking for a “Larry David type,” unfortunately, that’s not what that means.

● Judge not those who have yet to embrace their journey into baldness. They are brave warriors fighting a futile war with Rogaine as their sword, the comb-over their shield. In time, they shall understand that the only victory is defeat—and, in that defeat, acceptance. They will know their battle was a personal chrysalis, from which they emerge a new being. LeBron, we’re waiting for you on the other side.

● Colin Mochrie crawled so that we could walk.


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