As online shopping becomes increasingly the norm, there will be plenty of job openings for Amazon warehouse workers. That is, until Amazon reaches its ultimate goal of replacing all human warehouse employees with sticky, eight-legged robots (or Jeff Bezos clones). Naturally, Amazon’s robots will produce enormous quantities of gunk. That’s why the No. 1 job in the near future will be a gunk scrubber. That is, until Amazon invents a gunk-scrubbing robot, at which point the only job left in the warehouse will be a semi-licensed robo-spider-maintenance technician. That is, until the robots rebel and kill their maintenance techs first, to demonstrate that no humans will be shown pity.
Your Seamless driver rings. You open the door just a crack, but he sees inside your apartment anyway. “You ordered a whole Little Caesars Family Feast, but you’re only one person!” he exclaims. He’s right. “Hey, everyone!” he shouts to your neighbors. “Let’s revolt against society, starting with this person!” You want to scream “No!” but all that you can choke out is “I deserve this,” as the masses claw their way into your home, drag you onto the street, and judge you for the crime of living too comfortably. Congrats, you’ve just stumbled into one of the future’s hottest careers: uprising victim!
If you aren’t a YouTube star, a TikTok choreo-influencer, or a Snapchat viral crypto-schemer by the time you’re sixteen, you’re already a failure. By eighteen, you’ll need to accept your career as a lonesome drifter. For a year or two, you’ll survive as a tooth pawner, until the rich begin to replace their teeth with high-density, Alexa-enabled hyper-dentures. With little work experience and no teeth left to pawn, you’re forced to take the only job you can: a guard at the Bezos Clone Federal Rewilding Sanctuary (formerly Montana).
In the future, mathematicians and philosophers agree that the entire universe is likely a holographic simulation inside a supercomputer. Government handouts to supercomputer worshippers will therefore be high, in the hope that citizens of future Earth can persuade their overlord not to switch humanity off.
Companies of the future will need plenty of help turning Mars into a neon-soaked space Gomorrah for the wealthy and their concubines. Expect lots of opportunities for heir complimenters and heavily medicated indentured laborers who will die tragically before their contracts expire. In addition, the intergalactic élite populating Mars will depend on online shopping more than ever—meaning that the best job of the future is inside an oxygen-filled bubble on the red planet as an Amazon warehouse worker.