Existential Questions for 2021

If I get a beer with a celebrity at a midtown bar but don’t post about it on social media, did it ever really happen?

If I am excited about rich white men with rockets blasting into space while the diseased world beneath them floods and burns, does this make me a bad person?

If I spend my student-loan repayment money on a trip to Barcelona and some inflatable flamingo pool floats for my friend whose parents paid for her tuition which she didn’t need anyway because she started a hedge fund, can I pretend that I no longer have crushing debt that I’ll never pay off with my public-school teaching salary?

If global warming has made the average surface temperature of the earth two degrees warmer since the pre-industrial era, does that make me fewer degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon?

Should I care about the global climate catastrophe if nationalistic totalitarian-regime nuclear-meltdown genocide is likely to kill me first?

Conversely, should I care about nationalistic totalitarian-regime nuclear-meltdown genocide if the global climate catastrophe is likely to kill me first?

If a brand says that it cares about me but also claims to care about the planet, even though it’s profiting off carbon-fuel emissions, does it really care about me, or is it just saying that to get my money?

If I’m a gig-economy worker with three kids, a mortgage, and out-of-pocket insurance, how many Uber-driving hours, crocheted Etsy mittens, and Airbnb rentals while I sleep on the floor because Vlor from Sweden is sleeping in my bed for eighty-eight dollars a night do I need to keep my family fed?

If I swipe right by accident, do I have to hook up with them anyway?

If I like girls as friends, but sometimes as more than friends, and I really like guys, but not when they stink or are misogynistic, and I’ve had a major crush on Fabio ever since the margarine commercial, but also I tend to be attracted to full-bodied women who mildly resemble Fabio, does that make me gay?

If a tree falls in the forest owing to deforestation, does it sound different than if it falls owing to an apocalyptic wildfire?

Should I be proud of my 401(k) because it’s the largest sum of money I’ve ever saved in one place, even if it will only cover roughly six days of expenses?

If all the mom-and-pop stores get gobbled up by the big-box stores and all the big-box stores get shut down by online shopping and then the robots take over, will I even need twenty-per-cent-off coupons for Bed Bath & Beyond anymore?

If I’m planning to vote because I genuinely care about doing my civic duty but the United States is officially an oligarchy in which my vote no longer counts, can I still Instagram myself wearing my “I Voted” sticker?

If I freeze my eggs for when I meet the right partner, but then realize that I’d rather vlog from a beach in Thailand, will my precious eggs get freezer burn?

If my manager says that she cares about my well-being and then tells me that I have to drive four hours each day during a global pandemic while I have three kids remote-schooling and a husband who doesn’t know how to fold pants, should I thank her?

Will sidewalks even exist anymore when we can just order everything via drone to our doors?


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