COVID Safety Protocols for Our Apartment Rager This Weekend

Vaccinations are mandatory to attend Rowdy Tom’s Delta-Palooza. It doesn’t matter which vaccine you’ve received as long as you present a record of it, no matter how dubious or illegible.

R.S.V.P.s are also required, but all invited guests are permitted a random plus-one. For contact-tracing purposes, everyone must leave his or her name and number on a loose piece of paper, which will inevitably become a coaster for cheap beer or natural wine and get too soggy to read by the end of the night.

We’ll be checking temperatures at the door and only admitting guests with a reading of 97-98.9 degrees. If your temperature is 99 degrees or higher, we’ll give you a stern look. But we’ll still let you in as long as you say “I’m not sick.”

Face coverings must be worn throughout the party, but masks may be removed while eating, of course. Or drinking. Also talking, laughing, sneezing, smirking, kissing, or scrolling through friends’ Instagram stories as you judge them for taking a trip out to Montauk without you. Double masking is encouraged.

As per C.D.C. guidelines, which we skimmed almost all the way through, please frequent our hand-sanitizer stations. Duane Reade was out of Purell, so we have only drinking alcohol available.

At least once or twice, we’ll perform some very conspicuous hygiene theatre—wiping down doorknobs, sanitizing vegetable platters, haphazardly spraying Lysol into the air. But we’ll definitely forget to do it again after a few drinks.

We ask that all guests remain six feet apart—at least until the music starts to get really good. All bets are off once our apartment fills up with hordes of New York’s hottest, sweatiest partygoers.

To avoid a socially un-distanced bathroom line, guests will reserve a spot by scanning a QR code. Tom coded the app from his bed mere hours before the party, and it will inevitably glitch out owing to a lack of testing.

Windows will remain open at all times, because we’re running our playlist through Windows Media Player. As for our wall openings, kindly leave them shut—we have a year-round bug problem.

We’re proudly offering antigen testing, at our own expense. We couldn’t find a licensed lab technician in time for the rager, but luckily Owen’s cousin Haley is a very talented tattoo artist. As our closest friend in the medical community, she can totally nasal-swab hundreds of people, we’re hoping. B.Y.O.Q-tip!

All drugs will be individually wrapped. Blue bags are for uppers, and red bags are for downers.

If you feel the urge to spit into someone else’s mouth, please do so only in the designated mouth-spitting room.

Many have suggested that we not throw this blowout, but, unlike others who are out partying recklessly, we’re taking every measure possible to remain safe and responsible. If at any time during the night you feel anxious or trapped, feel free to exit the apartment and chill on our rusty fire escape. Thankfully, COVID doesn’t exist outdoors!


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